I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
