She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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