Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
