I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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