I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
