my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
