i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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