I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
