I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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