I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
