You're my little dorito
i don't like sucking hair
This house was built for laser tag.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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