So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
