and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
