proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
