I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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