someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
