that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
