You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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