I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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