Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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