my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
