The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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