I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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