hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
