I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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