All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
