life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
