New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
