your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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