The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
