No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Two words: blizzard sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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