that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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