I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i love accidental penises.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
