I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
