I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
