Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
