grandma shit on top of the toilet
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
