I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
