while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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