there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
