I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
