I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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