I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
