were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
