What did we do last night that was yellow?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
