You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
