just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
