I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
