I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
