So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
