update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
